its 2:30am and i’m laying in bed trying not to sleep because every time i close my eyes all i can see is what happened.
every time i open my eyes all i can see is what happened. i look around my room and all i can see in my mirror is the same face i watched when it happened. i see my face now and i see it six years ago. i see the same expression i watched in the mirror as it was happening. i see a scared little girl who grew up long before it happened. i see a child on the verge of adolescence having what little innocence she had left taken away. i look at her now, i look at myself now and i see, underneath all the pretending and numbness and hollowness, a girl i bury deep in the back of my mind and in the farthest corners of my soul.
i look at myself and i remember.
when i look at the same ceiling and the same walls and the same carpet, just like i did then, i remember. when i look at nothing at all, i remember. when i sleep, i remember. when i wake, i remember.
most days it stays buried. most days it stays hidden and locked away. but every year on september 1st, it all spills to the surface. every year i remember. every year i remember the light rain and the hot sun. every year i remember what he wore and i remember my school uniform that i wore. every year i remember the smell of him, a scent that would make me throw up now, a scent that has made me almost pass out when i’ve smelled something similar. every year i remember his face. before. during. after. every year i remember his words and his promises and his threats. i remember the three words he said to me after; words i finally understood this year and thought meant something. i remember the other words he said to me only a minute later; words that still haunt me.
every year i remember every last minute detail. no matter how hard i try to forget, it’s impossible to rid my mind and memory of it.
six years ago today i was ruined and i’ve been trying to pick up the pieces ever since. to put it bluntly, i haven’t killed myself over it yet. i’m kind of proud of myself for that. i wish someone apart from me would be too.
today is so awful and its only just started.
i just want to forget. i want to escape. i want to disappear. i don’t want to be worthless. i don’t want to be a failure. i don’t want to know i deserved it. i don’t want to scrub myself until i bleed under boiling water because i’m dirty. i don’t want to be unlovable. i don’t want to be nothing. i don’t want to wish i were dead. i don’t want to be alone. i want to mean something. i don’t want to be who it, who he, made me.
i want to forget. i don’t want to feel anything, let me be numb. numb numb numb. let me forget. take me away and give me peace.