i have a problem and i don’t know what to do and its fucking terrifying and i’m so alone, i have no one and everyone hates me, i deserve to suffer and to die but i need help oh god

today has been so good, i finished a unit in my course and then got some amazing news omfg i’m so happy rn :)))

i finally finished another unit omg!!!! my case manager and one of the newer tutors ((i was smiling heaps and she said i have a fantastic smile haha aw)) and are so happy and so proud of me yay :))

is it just me or does anyone else get really upset when they embarrass themselves in front of people???

bc i’m at my course and i’m always the only one here in the mornings so i have my own office today. anyways i’ve been here for a while now but i forgot to sign in so i just went into the lab where they started a class not long ago. i saw the sign in sheet on the middle of the table ((there’s like 8 people in there and of course they’re all older than me)). i’m such an idiot bc i just grabbed it before realising it was a different class’. and the tutor was in the middle of talking and she had to find my sign in sheet and omfg everyone just stared at me. fuck i’m so embarrassed i’m never going in there again kill me now

i feel so fucking sick this morning and idk if its my anxiety or what but my god its pissing me off bc i need to study and i can’t focus

on the plus side i got my own office today yay

there’s so many things going through my stupid mind atm yet the thought that sticks out the most is how much of a waste of space i am and how insignificant i am. i don’t mean anything and i don’t matter. i’m inadequate and a failure. i have no words for how i’m feeling and no words for how much i hate myself. i want to disappear forever. i want to die.

ha i am nothing but a fucking bitch. i can’t do anything right and i so obviously ruin everything. why was i ever fucking born

i don’t want you let go of me. i don’t want you to think it’s time to let go because it’s not and deep down you know it’s not. i don’t want you to forget me. i know we have something, not had, it’s still there and you know it just as much as i do

pro tip: don’t listen to lana when you’re sad and dwelling on all the mistakes you’ve made regarding past relationships and how fucking stupid you are

praise the we-dated-for-a-summer-then-stopped-talking-for-ages-but-it-doesn’t-matter-bc-now-we’re-like-bffs gods for giving me dean when i need a friend. thx dean u the best ilys and shit lmao don’t judge me

i went to a fair today and bought loads of fairy floss and had lunch and wore a dress that made me feel pretty and took photos with people dressed up as a dragon and a princess and i had a good day

snaps for jess yay

shout out to my parents for buying me a brand new phone 2 days after my phone dies

rip my beloved pink Samsung, you ((and my whole fucking life + photos)) will be so dearly missed

its so fab hitting a massive low a few weeks before my birthday bc i know its going to be a long low and my god i don’t even want to leave my bed. i actually can’t believe just how depressed i am. i’ve even lost weight and i’m lower than my previous lw. its so shitty bc my whole family is commenting on how down i am and the other day my grandmother nearly cried when she hugged me bc apparently i’ve ~lost so much weight~ but they’re all lying. i know they’re lying 

honest to god i am done feeling like this and i am done not being good enough for anyone. i was so happy a few days ago and now i can’t even go a day without being overwhelmed by everything and without wishing i was better off dead. i’m better of dead or having never existed idk i’m even crying rn haha wow i’m pathetic but i just can’t deal with anything its not fair 

yes thank you computer gods for losing my assessment and for making me waste over an hour searching every fucking computer in class to try and find it. this is the same assessment that i was almost finished and needed to submit like 2 weeks ago. now i get to start all over again and hope it’s nearly half as good as the original ((which of course was shit to begin with))

honestly what else could go wrong 

i want to disappear forever. i have had the worst few days and now things are falling apart once again. just like stupid hopeless me. i’ve hardly left my bed this week bc i’m just so down and i don’t see the point in anything

i ran out of my meds yesterday so i’m not on any today which is just fucking fab but like it even matters bc they don’t work anyway and i have no idea why i’m even on them to begin with

my phone decided to fuck up for good yesterday and my whole life is on that phone. so now i’m using an old shit box that hardly works and i’m going to lose everything on my other one which is making me panic to no end. this also means that i need to sort out my money so i can get a new phone within the next few days which is just pissing me off bc i have other things i need 

its my fucking birthday in a couple of weeks and i can guarantee its going to be shit and lonely

i’m so behind in my course that i’ve almost just given up bc i’m going to fail and all i do is disappoint everyone. i’ll never live up to my stupid standards for anything, let alone this course

so i’m currently sitting alone in class crying bc i’m just so fucking overwhelmed by everything. nothing is working out at all and i’m pathetic god i hate myself. i honestly thought i’d been doing so well but i’m not and i’m a complete mess. no wonder i have no one 

i don’t know what i’m doing i can’t fucking handle this 

edit: to top it all off i’ve lost the file to an assessment that’s already overdue and now i have to start all over again even tho i was almost finished it. kill me now

Neko