i feel so shit and low today and i’d been doing kinda okay up until now. i feel like such a failure wow

today is a really shitty awful day and its only just starting to sink in oh god

i’m at my grandparents for the day and i finally have wifi omfg praise baby jebus lmao

i’m so boring and awkward and lonely and impossible to keep a conversation going with when all i want is to talk haha wow

i’ve been doing so well lately and maybe its because i’m on new meds or maybe its because i haven’t been online as much or maybe its because i’m starting to realise that i just can’t be happy unless i believe that i deserve to be happy. there are days when i’m positive and i can laugh and look forward to a tomorrow and when i’m jess

but then there are days like today. days when i want to stay in bed all day and hide beneath the covers and pretend that the last few months, years, never happened. days when i go to bed early and sleep late because its better than facing reality and having to plaster on a fake smile and say ‘i’m okay’ when i’m so close to falling apart at the seams. days when i’m convinced no one cares about me, no one loves me, no one wants me - my family, friends, people i care about; when all i want and need is for someone to tell me i matter and that i’m worth the trouble, even if i won’t believe them because experience has taught me not to trust. days when i see a photo or a person’s name or hear my parents say something or remember things and i just want to scream at the top of my lungs because i’m sick and tired of all the insecurities and jealousy and disappointment and bitter resentment and the crushed hopes and the aching hurt that claws at my chest and questions i don’t want to hear the answers to and words that shouldn’t have been said and words that are caught in the back of my throat that i swallow because i’m afraid - of everything

i started writing this in my diary and felt like sharing it because i know a lot of my followers feel the same things i do and i haven’t been posting much lately. i don’t know where this post is even going or how to properly express what i feel most of time

but i do know that when i feel like this, chances are the feelings will pass and maybe tomorrow i’ll wake up feeling better. some things just need a lot of work before they can be what you want them to be; like myself. and this is something i never thought i’d ever realise. maybe i’m just having a really philosophical moment or maybe the weeks i’ve been trying to better myself are finally starting to pay off. i know i have a very long way to go but i just really needed to get all this off my chest because you know what? i damn well will be happy and i’m not going to let myself stop that from happening

so yeah have a really weird ramble lol

kinda wanna die lmao bye

edit: just found out i passed the first unit of my course with flying colours and my tutor said she’s never ever seen such a perfect essay and ‘exceptional work in a unit done by a student’ before omfg i am so happy rn and this has made me feel so much better already omg yay 

i wonder what it feels like to be important to someone, anyone. to matter, to be the reason someone smiles or the reason someone gets up in the morning. to be all the thoughts and feelings you never thought existed to someone. instead of feeling like you could just disappear without so much as a goodbye and people still wouldn’t notice you’re gone

my talent is getting my hopes up when things start looking good again and then ruining everything and crushing those hopes. now i feel awful. again

i’m a fuck up and i should just keep my stupid mouth shut tbh

i feel so low lately and i’m seeing my dr tomorrow morning for my ct results and to discuss ~whats next~

i’m so anxious and i feel like no one cares about me anymore and i get jealous over everything and its shit that’s really bothering me but i just don’t want to talk about it bc i’m honestly pathetic and i’ll only make things worse bc that’s all i ever do and i feel so inadequate and just alone and i’m questioning everything and oh god i am so insecure i feel like i’m drowning and its like i can’t even fucking breathe anymore

i can’t remember what its like to be happy and i wish i could go back in time and make myself into a different person and not fuck everything up with literally everyone i know and i wish i could be the girl everyone wants and needs me to be and not hurt anyone and not hurt myself and i wish i could not get hurt and still hurt and feel so deeply that i build a wall around myself again because thats exactly what i’ve done and i wish i could be happy

i don’t want to be alive but i want to live and i just want to be okay

Anonymous said: z.

libra

Anonymous said: i and x c:

i. choc mint
x. one on my left arm for a green stick fracture when i was like 9, a dozen on my back and hips, a couple on my neck and abdomen. also had a heap of ct scans, mri’s, and a full body scan

Anonymous said: A, b, c, e

a. yes
b. 4th october :))
c. its so obvs lmao
e. its a tie between drewby and dean

so i had my ultrasound this morning and the dr said everything looks mainly normal but he spent ages looking at my kidneys so that’s a little worrying

i’m seeing my dr later today to get the results and if it’s all clear then i’ll definitely need an endoscopy which is a lil scary

just thought i’d update, thank you for all the support xx

my ultrasound is in 5 minutes omfg wish me luck

i just got home from hospital finally omfg

basically my chest and stomach are inflamed and i have an infection in my lungs so i’m on super strong antibiotics and more super strong painkillers which should hopefully stop the pain

if my ultrasound on friday comes back clean then i need to have more tests and an endoscopy to find out wtf is going on omfg

this is making me seriously rethink my life bc even with all the meds i’ve been on recently, i’m still so sick but i’ve been better at looking after myself????? idk i’m so anxious and kinda scared tbh. i just want to be okay

also thank you so much to the people who’ve sent love and support, it’s so lovely to know that people care even tho you don’t even know me lol ily xxx

Neko