i saw my dr again today and i’m having an ultrasound on friday omg i’m so nervous lol

i feel so awful. i want to disappear forever or never wake up yet at the same time i want to get better and prove to everyone that i can be jess again

i want to show everyone that i can do this and i want people to not hate me and to love me again. i want to prove to myself that i’m worth it and that i am lovable ((even tho i feel worthless and completely unlovable)). i want to be the girl with a happy heart and a carefree personality, not a broken heart and a disappointing personality. i want to have what i had at the start of the year and i want to be that person again. i want to be the girl people wanted to hang out with and the girl my family was proud of and the girl my ex fell in love with

i don’t want to be this sad, anxiety ridden, depressed, failure of a person anymore

i want to be okay again. i want to be happy again

my anxiety is so bad rn i think i’m going to throw up. maybe my dr was right about the pain being anxiety related bc its getting worse by the minute and nothing at all is helping and everything is awful

so i saw my dr today ((he’s the one who gave me the painkillers the other day, i’d never seen him before but i think he’ll be my new dr from now on bc he’s really good))

basically he did a history and said the pain in my chest is from anxiety. i broke down bc i have a high pain tolerance yet i’m in so much pain everyday from my back and now from my chest ((i don’t think its fron anxiety bc its such an awful pain and literally nothing is helping it go away, not even 3 different super strong painkillers)). when i went to hospital they said i needed a ct scan but this new dr won’t let me have one bc he’s worried about the radiation ((when i’ve already had so many xrays and scans and shit in the past)) so i’m really frustrated that he didn’t consider physical issues that might cause the pain even tho i was keeled over crying from the pain

anyway he suggested he put me on new meds to try and help my lows and anxiety so i started them tonight. if they don’t work over the next 3 months i’ll be put on different meds. he also referred me to a new psych who i’ll hopefully see this week

idk i’m basically at the point of giving up bc i can’t handle things anymore. the pain is just so bad and i have hardly any hope left. i don’t know what to do

just my luck that right as i’m about to leave for the dr’s the pain in my chest isn’t nearly as bad as it has been

just let me die omfg ~so melodramatic~ but seriously i’m over everything

so for the past few days i’ve had really bad pains in my chest to the point where i can’t even move without being in pain. i thought it would pass but its gotten so bad that now i can’t even fucking breathe without being in immense pain and omfg i’m seeing my doctor ~again~ and i swear to god if he says its nothing, i will kill someone

like i can’t even fucking move or breathe or talk without nearly passing out from the pain. i want to die bye

i wish i could be everything i’m not so i’d be a better person

and cue feelings of complete inadequacy and intense sadness. i hate myself and i don’t mean anything

i’m nothing goodbye

the episode when marshall and lily get married is killing me omfg why do tv shows do this to me

apparently one of my new painkillers can cause ~depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts~ hahahaha and i’ve been feeling pretty okay lately ((even tho i keep forgetting to take my antidepressants))

yay this will be fun lmao

i’m so tired i could sleep for a year omfg

i went to a family friends 10th birthday party today running on 4 hours sleep and i’m fucking exhausted

it was at a park and this adorable little boy and his younger sister wanted to play with me so they held my hands and we chased birds away lol then i took them to the play equipment and they had so much fun and it made me happy :)) and then their mum came over and picked the little girl up and omfg she started crying bc she wanted to stay with me aw aw aw

anyways i got home, had a nap, and woke up feeling absolutely awful. i’m so nauseous i can’t even look at food without nearly throwing up. and i’m so bloated i legit look pregnant jfc

i slept through 6 alarms and now i have less than an hour before i go out omfg itS TOO EARLY

posi mood is basically gone, i’m sick and feel awful and my voice is gone, and i need to be up in 4 hours lmao kill me bye

oh my god i’m so happy right now

Neko