my mum woke me up at fucking 5am this morning and i’m so tired i feel like i’m hungover jfc help

Anonymous said: Whats your bucket list?

-travel the world
-teach kids in india and africa
-go sky diving
-write a book
-do something that will let me be remembered as a good person, not a bad person
-find my father
-get married 
-have a few kids
-change the world
-swim with sharks
-find peace with myself
-live on the road for a couple of years
-be happy before i die

idk thats all i can think of rn 

i can now say that yesterday i did not self harm at all even tho its what i do every year on the first of september

this may not be a dig deal or it might be stupid or w/e, but i am so fucking proud of myself for not self harming and i’m very very rarely proud of myself. snaps for jess?? i think so tbh

Anonymous said: Do you think there is anyone who has romantic feelings toward you?

no probably not, i highly doubt it bc there’s nothing to be attracted to or interested in lmao

this might just be the first time in six years i don’t self harm on september first purely bc its september first, if that makes sense

i’m kinda a little proud of myself tbh

Anonymous said: I am proud of you. So proud of you. You are stronger than anyone knows. You are worth more than you know. You are lovable and capable and brilliant and shining. And you have every reason to be proud of yourself. <3

this means the world to me and honestly kind words like this are exactly what i need today. i won’t deny that i’m struggling, today is just so fucking awful and messages like this are what’s keeping me going. people like you are my favourite people

thank you, i can’t thank you enough tbh ♡♡♡

its 2:30am and i’m laying in bed trying not to sleep because every time i close my eyes all i can see is what happened.

every time i open my eyes all i can see is what happened. i look around my room and all i can see in my mirror is the same face i watched when it happened. i see my face now and i see it six years ago. i see the same expression i watched in the mirror as it was happening. i see a scared little girl who grew up long before it happened. i see a child on the verge of adolescence having what little innocence she had left taken away. i look at her now, i look at myself now and i see, underneath all the pretending and numbness and hollowness, a girl i bury deep in the back of my mind and in the farthest corners of my soul.

i look at myself and i remember.

when i look at the same ceiling and the same walls and the same carpet, just like i did then, i remember. when i look at nothing at all, i remember. when i sleep, i remember. when i wake, i remember.

most days it stays buried. most days it stays hidden and locked away. but every year on september 1st, it all spills to the surface. every year i remember. every year i remember the light rain and the hot sun. every year i remember what he wore and i remember my school uniform that i wore. every year i remember the smell of him, a scent that would make me throw up now, a scent that has made me almost pass out when i’ve smelled something similar. every year i remember his face. before. during. after. every year i remember his words and his promises and his threats. i remember the three words he said to me after; words i finally understood this year and thought meant something. i remember the other words he said to me only a minute later; words that still haunt me.

every year i remember every last minute detail. no matter how hard i try to forget, it’s impossible to rid my mind and memory of it.

six years ago today i was ruined and i’ve been trying to pick up the pieces ever since. to put it bluntly, i haven’t killed myself over it yet. i’m kind of proud of myself for that. i wish someone apart from me would be too.

today is so awful and its only just started.

i just want to forget. i want to escape. i want to disappear. i don’t want to be worthless. i don’t want to be a failure. i don’t want to know i deserved it. i don’t want to scrub myself until i bleed under boiling water because i’m dirty. i don’t want to be unlovable. i don’t want to be nothing. i don’t want to wish i were dead. i don’t want to be alone. i want to mean something. i don’t want to be who it, who he, made me.

i want to forget. i don’t want to feel anything, let me be numb. numb numb numb. let me forget. take me away and give me peace.

i had coffee with dean today after not seeing him in like a year and it was so lovely to see him :)) kinda missed him tbh

i feel so useless and unworthy and unwanted. kinda over being so down lately. i want to be happy again

Anonymous said: hi! i haven't been on tumblr in a good while and noticed that the grindyourpussyonmyface porn blog is gone :[ do you know why he deleted his blog? he was my friend on here and i was searching through his tag and noticed that you followed him when he was active. thx!! :]

i think he left aaaaages ago and i haven’t been able to find him since either which is really shit bc we used to be heaps close and then he just disappeared :(

if i find him again i’ll make a post for you xo

Anonymous said: You're beautiful and wonderful and worth more than your weight in gold

you’re way too kind and so wrong but this made my day, i really needed this
thank you lovely xxxx

Anonymous said: When did you first fall in love?

idk i can’t pin point exactly when haha

i’m so lonely and i just feel so awful. only less than a week until the worst day of my life and i don’t want to be here

so i couldn’t even finish my morning coffee ((before throwing up)) bc it tasted really weird, even tho there was literally nothing wrong with it. so now i’m in class attempting to drink another cup but it also just isn’t appealing to me in the slightest, like its making me feel sick already and i’ve only had 2 sips of it. i can’t live without caffeine help

and i have a massive headache and can’t focus at at all god kill me now PLS

i’m such a whiny lil bitch today lmao

waking up and spending like an hour throwing up ((to the point where i couldn’t even stand)) and then having to go to class when its fucking freezing and absolutely pissing down rain

no. no no no. let me go back to bed or let me die so i can not feel like at any second i’m going to throw up and pass out. jfc i hate everything