i am so fucking tired and my hangover has finally kicked in jfc i drank so much last night and i’m surprised i even remember most of the night hahaha and i’m so sore i can’t even move without being in pain

but i’m going to the movies soon to see the new dr who and i’m so excited omfg

my ex and i went to the pub earlier and i’m finally going to sleep at nearly 6am with him omfg i won’t even be able to walk later when i get up hahaha so worth it

i have the biggest headache in the world like i think my head is going to explode omfg

after running on 3 hours sleep from last night, 5 or 6 cups of coffee in 5 hours, being in a progressively worsening mood all fucking day, and being awake for way longer than i’d hoped, i’m finally getting ready to go to bed and its not even 9pm hahaha no wonder i have no life and i hate myself

this is a v stupid post and i’m v angry at myself and i plan to sleep all day tomorrow

edit: its almost 10:30pm and i’m still not asleep jfc for once i’d like my body and mind to just let me sleep when i want to fucking sleep omfg

its gotten to the point during the day where i can’t even focus on my work anymore and i’m in a shit mood even tho i’ve had like 5 cups of coffee and all i want to do is go home and sleep

working hard or hardly working??

currently in class, my tutor told me to submit the work i’ve done when i go out for a smoke so she could start marking it, but she didn’t tell me ((and i only just realised)) that once i submit it, i can’t go back and fix anything up or continue doing the work i haven’t even finished yet???? like i still have 20% of this unit to finish and i can’t even finish it now which means i need to start the next unit???????? i mean i don’t mind starting the next unit but i’m such a perfectionist and a couple of my answers aren’t even finished yet bc i thought i could just go back and finish them but nooooo

w/e i’m onto my 4th cup of coffee today so i’m in such an odd mood and i’m rambling and i’m running on like 3 hours sleep, i’m already exhausted and i’m going out for lunch with my family when i finish class omfg let me sleep forever pls

i feel so shit and low today and i’d been doing kinda okay up until now. i feel like such a failure wow

today is a really shitty awful day and its only just starting to sink in oh god

i’m at my grandparents for the day and i finally have wifi omfg praise baby jebus lmao

i’m so boring and awkward and lonely and impossible to keep a conversation going with when all i want is to talk haha wow

i’ve been doing so well lately and maybe its because i’m on new meds or maybe its because i haven’t been online as much or maybe its because i’m starting to realise that i just can’t be happy unless i believe that i deserve to be happy. there are days when i’m positive and i can laugh and look forward to a tomorrow and when i’m jess

but then there are days like today. days when i want to stay in bed all day and hide beneath the covers and pretend that the last few months, years, never happened. days when i go to bed early and sleep late because its better than facing reality and having to plaster on a fake smile and say ‘i’m okay’ when i’m so close to falling apart at the seams. days when i’m convinced no one cares about me, no one loves me, no one wants me - my family, friends, people i care about; when all i want and need is for someone to tell me i matter and that i’m worth the trouble, even if i won’t believe them because experience has taught me not to trust. days when i see a photo or a person’s name or hear my parents say something or remember things and i just want to scream at the top of my lungs because i’m sick and tired of all the insecurities and jealousy and disappointment and bitter resentment and the crushed hopes and the aching hurt that claws at my chest and questions i don’t want to hear the answers to and words that shouldn’t have been said and words that are caught in the back of my throat that i swallow because i’m afraid - of everything

i started writing this in my diary and felt like sharing it because i know a lot of my followers feel the same things i do and i haven’t been posting much lately. i don’t know where this post is even going or how to properly express what i feel most of time

but i do know that when i feel like this, chances are the feelings will pass and maybe tomorrow i’ll wake up feeling better. some things just need a lot of work before they can be what you want them to be; like myself. and this is something i never thought i’d ever realise. maybe i’m just having a really philosophical moment or maybe the weeks i’ve been trying to better myself are finally starting to pay off. i know i have a very long way to go but i just really needed to get all this off my chest because you know what? i damn well will be happy and i’m not going to let myself stop that from happening

so yeah have a really weird ramble lol

kinda wanna die lmao bye

edit: just found out i passed the first unit of my course with flying colours and my tutor said she’s never ever seen such a perfect essay and ‘exceptional work in a unit done by a student’ before omfg i am so happy rn and this has made me feel so much better already omg yay 

i wonder what it feels like to be important to someone, anyone. to matter, to be the reason someone smiles or the reason someone gets up in the morning. to be all the thoughts and feelings you never thought existed to someone. instead of feeling like you could just disappear without so much as a goodbye and people still wouldn’t notice you’re gone

my talent is getting my hopes up when things start looking good again and then ruining everything and crushing those hopes. now i feel awful. again

i’m a fuck up and i should just keep my stupid mouth shut tbh

Neko