i see my psych today after a few weeks of not seeing her and i’m so anxious tbh. she’s going to be so disappointed in me bc i haven’t seen her since before i was sectioned and omfg i already feel like such a failure to everyone

i’m feeling very insecure about myself and a lot of other things and i really hate this feeling, i just want it to go away tbh

i’m at bf’s and i hit a low earlier today and i just feel like i shouldn’t be here and that i’m not really welcome tbh

actually feeling that alone rn lmao

a massive wave of insecurity just came over me and i feel like something’s changed and all i need is reassurance that nothing has changed

legit think my body’s shutting down lmao

all day i’ve been feeling so sick. it’s like i have a hangover and i need to throw up but i can’t, i have the worst headache ever and my whole body is just aching

i had a nap earlier and it just made me feel worse tbh. i need to see my doctor this week and get my vitals checked plus a heap of blood tests done; i think i might have liver damage or something from all the painkillers i take idek

so after a few very emotional days without hearing from my boyfriend at all, he finally came home yesterday and i went over to see him

we talked for a few hours and lots of things were said, i cried so much and my anxiety was so bad i felt like i was going to literally die

i think we sorted everything out and i think everything’s okay now. i stayed the night and we made love and i feel safe and loved again. he makes me so happy, i don’t know what i’d do without him. i hope i make him happy, that’s all i want

i just love him so much tbh ♡

really really emotional day. i don’t even want to talk about it anymore tbh

my boyfriend loves me, i love him. he’s perfect to me and i honestly can’t imagine my life without him

i think everything’s going to be okay

i don’t think i’ll be going anywhere today and that pisses me off bc i actually want to spend time with my bf but he probably won’t be home until later ((if he even comes home today)) so i most likely won’t even see him for another couple of days jfc

late night phone calls with my really drunk bff are seriously the best omfg she always knows how to cheer me up

we’re finally getting coffee next week and then i’m probably going over hers and we’re getting wasted. i’m so excited omg i haven’t seen her in forever :)))

this morning i woke up feeling like i’d run into a brick wall. i’ve just been feeling so unwell and sore all day, i’m coming down with a really bad cold or something omfg

also pathetically waited all day for bf to get home from his best mate’s, only to find out that he’s staying the night. again. so god only knows when i’ll talk to him. i was going to go over his tomorrow bc i’d actually like to spend time with him but i have no idea when he’ll be home so idek if or when i’ll see him. when i asked him about it he seemed so unsure and distant, like he didn’t even want to see me lol

w/e i feel like shit and i’m really shitty with everyone and i hate everything. i’m so glad i’ve started writing in my diary again, i can actually write everything i’m feeling without stressing about what people think ((especially my bf lmao))

i can’t wait until my bff drew is on holidays bc i finally get to see her after months and months and we always have the best time together omg :)))

i need to sleep for a week or a year bye

so yesterday i went into town for the day with bf and his best mate. it was really awkward at first and ngl, felt like bf didn’t even want me there lol. but it ended up being an okay day, his best mate is growing on me. the only reason why i never liked him before was because of shit that happened with him and an old friend. w/e, i’m starting to like him which is weird bc i usually hold grudges lmao

anyways i went home in the afternoon and bf told me i should go to his mates house ((literally just down the road)) and chill with them for a bit. so i walked down and they were already so stoned and all we did for like half an hour was sit in front of the tv, it was legit so boring tbh bc bf doesn’t talk much when he’s stoned and i just felt really unwelcome and like i shouldn’t have even been there

but i wanted to see bf so i stayed. i ended up having a cone and i was pretty baked lol. we watched more tv then went down the road to buy icecream. we got back, had more cones then bf’s mate went to bed so bf and i stayed up for a while just talking and chilling. i was so fucking baked by this point ((i’m such a lightweight omfg))

we watched more tv and then i had to walk home ((at like 11:30pm in a really dodgy neighbourhood)) so bf walked with me. he walked me to the bottom of my street and i walked the last 2 minutes home. as i was walking this creepy ass van starts cruising a little bit behind me, like they were going really slow next to me for a bit and i was freaking the fuck out. they almost stopped at one point and i thought they would stop but then they just drove away. what the fuck????????

anyways i got home and had a late dinner then ate half a litre of ice cream lmao oops. i went to sleep still pretty stoned and i woke up today feeling like shit. whenever i get high i always feel so bad the next day, like physically and mentally. it wouldn’t help that i spent all day on my feet so my whole body is aching and my back injury is killing me, and i’m just so exhausted. and i only started new meds three days ago and i’m not supposed to get high when i’m on them bc it ~increases the already increased hormones~ so i’m basically just an emotional bitch all day

i wanted to go to bf’s today and actually spend time with him, like just lay in bed and watch movies all day but when i asked him he seemed like he really didn’t wanna see me at all and it turns out i have things to do at home today anyway. so i’m a little sad that i can’t see him today but w/e

i feel like i’m coming down with the flu and i just feel like absolute shit and all i want to do is go back to bed and sleep for a week tbh

i had such a big day ((not even but i’m really fucking sore and exhausted)) and i can’t wait to sleep. i could sleep for a week straight and still be tired lmao

i’m so tired and my meds are making me really nauseous and bf wants me to go out with him today. i want to see him and spend time with him but his best friend’s coming too and i’m not really up for feeling left out and third wheeling. again.

w/e i wanna see him so i’ll go lol

also having a really bad body image/ed day. i feel huge and i look awful omfg why

Neko