shout out to my parents for buying me a brand new phone 2 days after my phone dies

rip my beloved pink Samsung, you ((and my whole fucking life + photos)) will be so dearly missed

its so fab hitting a massive low a few weeks before my birthday bc i know its going to be a long low and my god i don’t even want to leave my bed. i actually can’t believe just how depressed i am. i’ve even lost weight and i’m lower than my previous lw. its so shitty bc my whole family is commenting on how down i am and the other day my grandmother nearly cried when she hugged me bc apparently i’ve ~lost so much weight~ but they’re all lying. i know they’re lying 

honest to god i am done feeling like this and i am done not being good enough for anyone. i was so happy a few days ago and now i can’t even go a day without being overwhelmed by everything and without wishing i was better off dead. i’m better of dead or having never existed idk i’m even crying rn haha wow i’m pathetic but i just can’t deal with anything its not fair 

yes thank you computer gods for losing my assessment and for making me waste over an hour searching every fucking computer in class to try and find it. this is the same assessment that i was almost finished and needed to submit like 2 weeks ago. now i get to start all over again and hope it’s nearly half as good as the original ((which of course was shit to begin with))

honestly what else could go wrong 

i want to disappear forever. i have had the worst few days and now things are falling apart once again. just like stupid hopeless me. i’ve hardly left my bed this week bc i’m just so down and i don’t see the point in anything

i ran out of my meds yesterday so i’m not on any today which is just fucking fab but like it even matters bc they don’t work anyway and i have no idea why i’m even on them to begin with

my phone decided to fuck up for good yesterday and my whole life is on that phone. so now i’m using an old shit box that hardly works and i’m going to lose everything on my other one which is making me panic to no end. this also means that i need to sort out my money so i can get a new phone within the next few days which is just pissing me off bc i have other things i need 

its my fucking birthday in a couple of weeks and i can guarantee its going to be shit and lonely

i’m so behind in my course that i’ve almost just given up bc i’m going to fail and all i do is disappoint everyone. i’ll never live up to my stupid standards for anything, let alone this course

so i’m currently sitting alone in class crying bc i’m just so fucking overwhelmed by everything. nothing is working out at all and i’m pathetic god i hate myself. i honestly thought i’d been doing so well but i’m not and i’m a complete mess. no wonder i have no one 

i don’t know what i’m doing i can’t fucking handle this 

edit: to top it all off i’ve lost the file to an assessment that’s already overdue and now i have to start all over again even tho i was almost finished it. kill me now

i want to matter

feeling low ha why can’t i have one whole day where i feel good seriously

Anonymous said: Have you ever received flowers from someone who liked you? Because I'd love to give you flowers to be completely honest. What's your favourite type?

when i was 13 this guy i was seeing came to school with a massive bunch of flowers ((and a massive box of chocolates)) for me for our ~one month~ haha it was so cute. but no not since then ha i wish. purple orchids are my fave

you’re so sweet wow xxx

you ever wait and hope for something for ages and believe that it could never ever happen ever but then it does happen completely out of the blue and you’re just like what the actual fuck no this isn’t real bc i was so sure it wasn’t possible and then all your little stupid insecurities creep in and you think you don’t deserve it bc you’re not good enough and you just become so confused bc its actually a lot to take in and yet the only thing you want is confirmation again or reassurance that yes its real and you want to talk about it and experience it but you’re so afraid that if you do then it won’t be real and you’ll ruin it so you kinda just try not to think about it but its seriously made you so happy and confused at the same time and you really just want everything to be okay but you don’t really know what to do??????????

bc i’m having one of those moments haha help

hopefully later today i get good news that will basically make my day ((week, month, year w/e)) so i’m nervous and excited and surprisingly in a relatively good mood rn. fingers crossed lmao

really just wanna watch dexter and sleep all day tbh

nothing could possibly make me feel any worse than i do rn. honest to god i just don’t know what to do and i’m so fucking alone. i’m a fucking pathetic idiot. i have no one and i’m nothing. i’m nothing but a disappointing failure and i’m worthless. i’m unlovable and a piece of shit. i don’t deserve anything, i’m not good enough. i don’t even deserve to breathe.

i’m just nothing.

i’m nothing but a disappointment

oh hey jealousy, how nice of you to show up and make me feel like absolute shit again, it’d be nice if you could fuck off now

i’m alone and i always will be.

Anonymous said: Why are you upset that it's almost your birthday?

because i’ll be another year older and i still haven’t gotten anywhere near where i want to be. because i’m still not the person i want to be or the person everyone else wants me to be. i’m the still the same pathetic girl i was last year, nothing’s changed at all except me getting my stupid heart broken and thinking i was getting better when it’s pretty fucking obvious that i’m right back where i was last year. i take two steps forward, and three steps back. i be positive then i give myself reasons to be negative. people die, death anniversaries and other awful anniversaries happen and sooner or later i end up worse than what i was to begin with. i had goals, so many stupid goals and what am i doing? absolutely nothing but sulking and pitying myself and wishing that i could be better, do better, just be what everyone fucking wants me to be. last year i left my final year at school. what did i want to do before i left? pass my HSC with flying colours, go to uni and study writing and social services shit then find myself a nice job teaching or helping kids with problems. then i wanted to save all my money and travel, just travel for a bit teaching and living. i wanted so desperately to go to india and africa and teach there, it was all i ever wanted. i wanted to live there for a few years and write a book about my life and my experiences and about what i’d learnt along the way. but no, school was too much and i left in the second term of my last year because i’d been bullied so badly and because my health was just getting worse worse. i hardly even passed year 11 yet the still let me stay. and then i sat on my fat ass for a year doing nothing, thinking if i just have some time to myself to reflect and shit, then i’ll get better. i’ll work on myself for a year and then i’ll study, get a job. but no that didn’t happen either. i wallowed so much in myself and sooner rather than later all my fucking friends abandoned me. all of them except maybe 2 who actually put in the effort to talk to me and who wanted to see me. so i thought well things could be worse and i’m still here right? thats a step in the right direction, isn’t it? but then life happens and i hit my goddamn lows and think there is nothing left me, nothing at all. i’m no one and i’m nothing. and then god help me, i met the love of my fucking life last year and i started changing into a better person, into someone i’d want to be friends with. things were so great, incredible, for a few months. i thought i’d finally found peace with myself and with my past and with the world. i thought this person honestly saved me, and he did, and i know that i never wanted to be saved, and yet here i am. all thanks to him. but of course, i got to be too much, as always. surely he couldn’t fall in love with me, i still think to myself every fucking day, because i’m nothing. just nothing. yet i look at him and i see the stars in his eyes and the whole world in his soul. maybe i’m just being cliche. but i wanted to give him everything. and my god did i try. but everyone knows that after months of happiness, something bad is just waiting to happen right around the corner, and sure enough it did and i was put in hospital because i honest to god wanted to die. nothing could help me and i just wanted to disappear forever. but this person stood by me the whole way through it, along with my mum and dad. they loved me even though i am nothing but flaws and emptiness. they made me whole. he made me whole. and so things were okay for a while. but by then my medication wasn’t working anymore and i started to go a little off the rails again even though i thought everything was fine. i was so wrong. i just wanted to be happy, and to make him happy. but i feel too much and i say too much and i just love too much. that will always be my downfall, my weakness. i couldn’t do that for him, i couldn’t give him what he needed and i couldn’t be who he needed to me to be. so. he left. he left and took with him the heart i gave him. the heart that i’d spent years trying to put back together. the heart i thought he made whole again and the heart that i thought he wanted. i don’t know if he gave me his heart. i’m too reckless, too careless, too inadequate to have his heart. and then i was empty. so empty i didn’t even realise the days turning into weeks and i didn’t even realise the weeks turning into months. i was nothing and i still am nothing. i have no doubt that what i’m saying is going to make things worse and that’s the last fucking i want. i’m just empty and broken and am trying to find my way. but lately, i thought i was improving, i thought i’d started to put everything behind me and just focus on what makes me happy. but nothing really makes me happy anymore. all i do is just go through the day waiting for it to be over and all i do is just hope things will get better. but i don’t have much hope left. i don’t have any trust or any purpose left at all. i just don’t know what to do anymore.

i say all this and i explain all this because i’m sick of keeping it all bottled up inside. i’m sick of pretending that i’m okay when in reality, i’m so far from being okay that i just want someone to look at me and tell me everything will be okay. i want to think that everything will be okay, because if i think it enough, then it will be okay. 

this is all such a mess and i’m such a mess and i don’t want to be here anymore but i do because i’m trying so hard. so fucking hard. i want to be able to look back in a few years, five years, ten years, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty even, and say oh my god i actually did it. i actually made it. after everything i’ve felt and seen and been through and done to myself, i actually made it. i want people to look at me and be proud of how far i’ve come, not be indifferent about whether i’m going to make it another month.

so that’s why i’m not looking forward to my birthday next month. nineteen on the 4th october. and i am so disappointed with myself, with my life. i haven’t done anything and i haven’t been anywhere. i haven’t become the person i want so desperately to be. that’s why i’m upset. i want to make something of myself and i want to be happy. nineteen and still just moving soundlessly through the days, waiting until the day i’ll once again feel something other than sadness and worthlessness and shame. no, i don’t want to be nineteen feeling and acting like this. i want to wake up on my birthday and be happy that i’m alive. i want to spend the day with people who love me, and the only people who love me are my family. i want to realise that i can be happy and that i will be happy. i want to realise that i’m worth it and that i deserve happiness, and a good life, and a good everything. i just want to be okay when i’m nineteen. i don’t want to be this jess anymore

Neko